I'm too easily caught up in thinking about things. It's a lot harder to implement and make a change on the deeper emotional level. I have been thinking about this stuff for a long time and I'm fairly certain that I have found a root cause and I feel like if I can learn to relax then everything will be "fixed." My mind will relax and I will have perfect vision, I won't be worried about what other people think about me so I will be socially relaxed and I won't close up and create a shell but my "self" will grow, and I won't be overly focused on external commandments but I will experience true spiritual growth. That sounds very succinct and simple, however it's much easier said than done. Learning to relax that part of me is very very difficult. There is a game that I learned in elementary school that makes for a good analogy. Turn your elbows up so both palms are facing outwards then clasp your hands palms together with your fingers intertwined. Rotate your hands in towards your body and up until they are in front of your face. Your arms are pretty tangled up now. Then ask somebody to point at a finger and ask you to move it. They cannot touch the finger, only point. Because your arms are so twisted your mind has a hard time distinguishing what muscles move which finger. It usually takes a couple of tries to move the correct finger. That is kind of how I feel, I can see the finger that I need to move but knowing what muscles affect that finger is tough.
I have to admit, I haven't been able to give a full 100% effort like I would like to. I am busy with school, work and family at home that makes time to practice meditation and self exploration difficult to find. Am I afraid to spend time working on it because it might not work, then I am wrong and I don't know the solution? Maybe i'm just so used to living like I am that I am afraid of my new self emerging? I am slightly afraid that my wife won't accept the "unrestrained" me, drastic lifestyle changes would be difficult for her because she isn't trying to change. I also feel like it's difficult to explore while I am a member of the church. There are rules to follow, a set path and if you leave it your sinning and evil. I feel like I want to leave the church while I do this exploration. That's a big step though and affects more than just me. It does affect my family. I need to clarify again, I'm not against the church, but I want an open sandbox to work in. I want to do away with all constraints so that I am free to grow how I want. That's not to say that I will go out and break all the rules, just that I won't feel controlled to do something but that I will do what I feel I need to do.
So while writing this I clarified in my mind where I'm getting held up. I feel like I need to leave the church for the freedom to grow but i'm afraid of the impact that would have on my family. That is what's paralyzing me. So, ... do I leave the church or do I find another way to experience the freedom. A good question.
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